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Monty Python's Flying Circus :
The "Bruces" Sketch :

    Presented for your entertainment below is the "Bruces" sketch from Monty Pythons Flying Circus.

At Home With The Bruces

Second Bruce: G'day Bruce!
 

 
First Bruce: Oh, Hello Bruce!
 

 
Third Bruce: How are you Bruce?
 

 
First Bruce: A bit crook Bruce.
 

 
Second Bruce: Where's Bruce?
 

 
First Bruce: He's not 'ere, Bruce.
 

 
Third Bruce: Blimy, it's hot in here Bruce.
 

 
First Bruce: Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!
 

 
Second Bruce: That's a strange expression Bruce.
 

 
First Bruce: Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. "It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty." he said and she smiled quietly to herself.
 

 
Third Bruce: She's a good Sheila Bruce, and not at all stuck up.
 

 
Second Bruce: Here! Here's the boss-fellow now! - how are you Bruce?

 

Fourth Bruce enters, accompanied by Michael Baldwin.

 

Fourth Bruce: 'Ow are you Bruce?
 

 
First Bruce: G'day Bruce!
 

 
Fourth Bruce: Bruce!
 

 
Second Bruce Hello Bruce.
 

 
Fourth Bruce: Bruce.
 

 
Third Bruce: How are you Bruce?
 

 
Fourth Bruce: G'day Bruce.
Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce the man from pommyland who is joinin' us this year in the philosophy department at the university of Walamaloo.
 

 
All Bruces: G'day!
 

 
Michael: Hello,
 

 
Fourth Bruce: Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce.
 

 
First Bruce: Is your name not Bruce?
 

 
Michael: No, it's Michael.
 

 
Second Bruce: That's going to cause a little confusion.
 

 
Third Bruce: Mind if we call you "Bruce" to keep it clear?
 

 
Fourth Bruce: Gentlemen, I think we better start the faculty meeting. Before we start, though, I'd like to ask the padre for a prayer.
 

 
First Bruce: Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, Amen!!
 

 
All Bruces: Amen!
 

 
Fourth Bruce: Crack tubers! ( Sounds of cans opening.)
Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Mr Baldwin to the philosophy faculty.
 

 
Second Bruce I'd like to welcome the pommy bastard to God's own Earth, and remind him that we don't like stuck-up sticky-beaks here.
 

 
The Other Bruces: Hear, hear! Well spoken Bruce.
 

 
Fourth Bruce: Bruce here teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Haegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism, and is also in charge of the sheep dip.
 

 
Third Bruce: What's new-Bruce going to teach?
 

 
Fourth Bruce: New Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Bentham, Locke, Hobbs, Sutcliffe, Bradman, Lindwall, Miller, Hassett and Benet.
 

 
Second Bruce: Those are all cricketers!
 

 
Fourth Bruce: Aww, spit!
 

 
Third Bruce: Hails of derisive laughter, Bruce!
 

 
All Bruces: Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you amen.
 

 
Fourth Bruce: Another tube!
( Sound of cans being opened. )
Any questions?
 

 
Second Bruce: New Bruce, are you a poofta?
 

 
Fourth Bruce: Are you a poofta?
 

 
Michael: NO!
 

 
Fourth Bruce: No. Right, I just wanted to remind you of the faculty rules. Rule 1!
 

 
All Bruces: No pooftas!
 

 
Fourth Bruce: Rule 2: No member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way at all .... if there's anybody watching .... Rule 3:
 

 
All Bruces: No pooftas!
 

 
Fourth Bruce: Rule 4: Now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not drinking .... Rule 5:
 

 
All Bruces: No pooftas!
 

 
Fourth Bruce: Rule 6: there is no rule six .... Rule 7:
 

 
All Bruces: No pooftas!
 

 
Fourth Bruce: Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.
 

 
First Bruce: This here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.
 

 
All Bruces: Amen!
 

 
First Bruce: Right, let's get some Sheilas.

 

An Aboriginie enters with a tray full of enormous steaks.

 

Fourth Bruce: Ok!
 

 
Second Bruce: Ah, elevenses.
 

 
Third Bruce: This should tide us over 'till lunchtime.
 

 
Second Bruce: Reckon so, Bruce.
 

 
First Bruce: Sydney Nolan! What's that !
(points)

 

The scene cuts to a dramatic close up of Fourth Bruce's ear. Hold close up. the superimposed arrow points to the ear.

 

Voice Over: Number Nine. The ear.

 

All four Bruces lunch into the Philosopher's song.

 

    "Immanual Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable.
     Heideggar, Heideggar was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
     David Hume could out-consume Wilhem Fredrich Hegel.
     And Whittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as sloshed as Schlegel.
     There's nothing Nieizsche couldn't teach 'ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
     Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.
     John Stewart Mill, of his own free will, after half a pint of shanty was particularly ill.
     Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day!
    Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
    And Hobbs was fond of his Dram.
    And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am".
   Yes Socrates himself is particularly missed;
   A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.

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